Writings and Rants

A place to call my own

Month: May, 2013

It all makes sense now:

by cracksinthecanvas

I realized this a few days ago and it’s not until now that I’ve really understood what I had to do.

I harbor resentment. Ever since I was a child, I never knew how to deal with wrongs done to me but I always expected people to be understanding of me and my feelings. My grandmother, who raised me, always told me to forgive but never taught me how to stop the hurt. And I would replay the bad things in my mind and the resentment and anger would build and build.

I’m 20 now and I’m still acting as if I were 12. I’m not perfect and neither are my friends or family. I hurt people just as much as they hurt me even though I don’t realize it. Instead of focusing on the things people have done to me, I should tell them how I feel and let it go. I thought I could,but I realize I do hold them accountable for the negative shit and don’t let go.

I just hope that the people I owe apologies to who have been met with the brunt of my bitterness will forgive and let go. By harboring resentment, all I’m doing is infecting hatred and negativity into all of my friendships and relationships.

Advertisements

Self, You’re about as profound as the shit in your toilet bowl

by cracksinthecanvas

I don’t know where all of this animosity is coming from. Maybe I’m jealous, envious of some of my friends. Sometimes things just come to them so easily, so effortlessly while I’m struggling. 

I have baggage, heavy baggage that seems to infect the relationships around me. I don’t know how to relieve myself of them and of this sickness that has always been inside me. 

There wasn’t any competition between us, but now there seems to be this unspoken thing. Always needing to be the “baddest bitch” or the brightest colored, or the most fashionable. To distract from my ugliness. The more skin I show, the less ugly I feel and that’s a huge problem. 

It’s a problem because I don’t think people will find me interesting or beautiful unless my hair is crazily colored, my outfits are eccentric, and my lips brightly colored. Being me, plain ol’ me, is something i don’t really want people to get to know. 

I am myself most when I am alone.

Summer ’13 has Begun

by cracksinthecanvas

Photo on 2013-05-19 at 19.14 #2 So much has happened since my last post, I don’t really know how to begin. I was completely happy, completely content with my life until Ken came into my life. Until I began to feel myself go down the rabbit hole of self-destructive insecurities. We used to be awesome, now I don’t really want to talk to him or be around him. Although I miss those nights when we’d kiss for hours and fool around, I don’t miss not knowing what to do with myself. Long distance relationships aren’t good for me.

My relationship with my friends have been kind of strained recently. I’m in this constant state of denial, of insecurity, of ambivalence and apathy, I’m not really sure what to do. I miss home a lot. I miss being around people who completely understand me and my ways. I miss not having to explain my actions or my thoughts all the time. I miss just being. Moody, sullen, me. Although I’m not always like that. I have a lot of great days, days where the sun is shining and I’m shining with it. I have days where I’m glad to be alive. I have days where I’m content with my life. But those days are usually cut short because negativity creeps in and ruins my mood, my mind, and my life for a while.

I should write more, but i’m already tired.