For the past two weeks, I’ve been sick. It wasn’t until today that I went to a clinic to see what’s going on with me. I know I shouldn’t have waited so long, I prolonged my own pain, but the thought of going to a clinic alone was nauseating. Today I woke up and both of my ears were in pain and I just couldn’t deal with it anymore. Good thing I have good health insurance. A consultation and medication that would’ve costed 800+ dollars only cost me $4.08. I feel blessed.
Although my ears were in pain and I was sniffling down the sidewalk, I was happy. I had a pep in my step, I looked at the world around me with new eyes. Everything was muted because of my ear infection, so that made things a bit strange.
On the bus on my way home, I began to think of my mother. I haven’t spoken to her in I don’t know how long. I thought of all the pain and struggling she’s been through since I left home and tears began to well. I miss her. I’ve tried to refrain from saying it, but yes. I miss my mother. I felt guilty. While I was miles away in Chicago, finally happy, young, and independent she was back home trying to battle odds that are too powerful for her. I want to hold her, to talk to her. I want her to be happy like I’m happy. I want hear her laugh again. I want to talk to her. But I’m scared. I’m scared that hearing her voice, her sadness, her pain will diminish the happiness that I’ve finally obtained. I’m selfish. But, I’m only trying to survive.
This love game is damned. It was damned from its origin in the garden of Eden and it will be damned to its inevitable end. The day love dies will birth the destruction of humanity.
A short piece of what I wrote tonight. Probably a good chunk of this was for therapuetic reasons. I had to write to clean out my system and I feel so liberated.
Today was really good because I took a short break from texting people a lot today. Well, sort of. I mean, there’s one particular person I didn’t text which was fine. i think I needed some space to think about my feelings and shit about them. I’m just trying to ready myself for a relationship. Maybe? If things go well. But, then again, I’m not really trying to rush things. Today was a good day to self-meditate and do small little chores that took up time and stopped me from thinking for a bit.
I hope that I can figure things out as quickly as possible. Although the attention is fabulous, I know it won’t last until I make a decision. I just like the feeling of being wanted and desired. It fuels my ego and self-esteem. And, fuck it, sometimes I need that, too.