word-image relation; sexy
i don’t know if i’m sexy. i don’t see myself as sexy.
when i think of sexy, i think of effortless, i think sultry, i think smooth, and incredible attractiveness.
but then i began to rethink what sexy actually is and if my idea of sexy was influenced by society/media/culture and i found that it was. i see thinner bodies than mine and automatically think they’re perfect and more beautiful than bigger bodies. whenever i would see a girl of my size or bigger, i felt disgusted inside. i felt like i was as ugly as they were, if not worse. i never saw a girl like me and actually thought she could be beautiful without being skinny. that took me a long time to overcome and a lot of self-hatred had to be shaved off to think of myself as something as simple as “pretty.” it was a huge realization to me when i realized that i wasn’t ugly. that i was something so timid and modest as “pretty” meant the world to me.
and i’ve grown so much since then and i’ve developed a complete sense of who i am, but there’s still a part of me that doesn’t believe i’m attractive. there’s still the old me that’s complacent with being seen as pretty and another side of me that wants to go further and become gorgeous, confident, beautiful, and proud of herself and her sexuality. that is my ultimate goal. whether i’m seen as actually all of those things wouldn’t be a concern, as long as i felt gorgeous, confident, beautiful, and proud.
i have yet to get there so.