Writings and Rants

A place to call my own

Month: December, 2012

I’m still working to mend my torn heart but it takes tme

by cracksinthecanvas

 

Photo on 2012-12-27 at 12.42

It happened. He’s with his ex-girlfriend. Though he’s told me they’re just fuckbuddies/friends with benefits I know there’s something more stirring.

Initially, I was hurt (of course). Because of that, I had to distance myself from him a bit. Distancing myself was hard, but I had to do it for my emotional and sanity’s sake.I had to ask myself, “Why am I so upset that he’s with her? Wy am I jealous and sad and angry?”Delusion is a douchebag, thus I was a deluded douchebitch. Me and him and his girl hung out all day. Thrift store, drinking, movie theater, more drinking, and then finally back to his place. It was really fun. We stumbled into his apartment around 11pm. Conversed over shots and swigs of Smirnoff before she said that she was “really tired.” Which is code for them to go to his room and fuck. Which they did shortly after, but then he came back to the living room with me and we chatted for a bit. I told him he was my best friend.

After we said goodnight (again), he said:

“Love you.”

“Love you, too. And I really mean that”

“Me too, that’s why I said it.”

The last thing I heard before I went to sleep was them moaning in unison.

word-image relation; sexy

by cracksinthecanvas

i don’t know if i’m sexy. i don’t see myself as sexy. 

when i think of sexy, i think of effortless, i think sultry, i think smooth, and incredible attractiveness.

but then i began to rethink what sexy actually is and if my idea of sexy was influenced by society/media/culture and i found that it was. i see thinner bodies than mine and automatically think they’re perfect and more beautiful than bigger bodies. whenever i would see a girl of my size or bigger, i felt disgusted inside. i felt like i was as ugly as they were, if not worse. i never saw a girl like me and actually thought she could be beautiful without being skinny. that took me a long time to overcome and a lot of self-hatred had to be shaved off to think of myself as something as simple as “pretty.” it was a huge realization to me when i realized that i wasn’t ugly. that i was something so timid and modest as “pretty” meant the world to me.

and i’ve grown so much since then and i’ve developed a complete sense of who i am, but there’s still a part of me that doesn’t believe i’m attractive. there’s still the old me that’s complacent with being seen as pretty and another side of me that wants to go further and become gorgeous, confident, beautiful, and proud of herself and her sexuality. that is my ultimate goal. whether i’m seen as actually all of those things wouldn’t be a concern, as long as i felt gorgeous, confident, beautiful, and proud. 

i have yet to get there so. :/

Fresh Start

by cracksinthecanvas

I just finished talking to myself in a really bad English accent for about 15 minutes. It was really bad, I wish I had a voice clip to prove it. 

I made a blog because I missed having a place where all my thoughts are stored. I mean, who writes in a journal these days? (LOSERS, THAT’S WHO!) 

I’ll try to keep this anonymous as possible.